My Homeless Blog

    Well, last few weeks had been pretty interesting if I may say so. To be more precise, it was a combination of frustration, depression, annoyance and a little amazement too. And all thanks to my blog(s).
    In the beginning of this month, the web host, where I had my blog, deleted my account and all the files associated with it. And this is my story of having a blog, then losing it and finally restoring it along with the lessons learned in the process. I hope this also serves as a lesson to others as well so they avoid my mistakes.

    Let’s start from the beginning. Back in 2009-10, I was thinking of  starting a blog/website of my own, with my own top level domain. Back then, I didn’t even had a bank account. I had to deposit the amount in cash in the domain name seller’s account to get the domain. After the hectic experience of standing in queues, confirming about the deposit with the seller over phone, I was in no mood to spend any more for this and was looking for the best way to host my blog (for free).

   The easy choice was blogger but, it had a lot of limitations for what I had in mind for my site. So after a bit googling, I settled on wordpress, downloaded and installed in my local system and was confident that I can do it in a web server too. Now I started looking for free web servers to host my blog without imposing much restrictions and after a lot of  trial and error settled with x10hosting. The conditions were: I have to login once a month and can have only 3 domains, 3 sub-domains and 3 mysql databases at max in free account. This was not a problem…….at first.
   To be honest (with myself), I’m not a frequent blogger though I certainly didn’t intended to be like that. Initially the enthusiasm of setting up and tweaking wordpress kept me busy with it. But gradually  I lost interest in it and it was evident from the gaps of months and even years between my posts. So, I tend to forget about the blog. However, the once in a month login requirement reminds me of it. This was just a little annoyance I could tolerate for all the facilities I was getting. There were some hiccups as well, like database server unavailable or the server is not responding. But all the resources were free, you can’t really demand service quality without paying for it.

   Everything was going just fine when I forgot to login for a month and my host brutally deleted my account with all my files. I don’t blame them. They had sent me a reminder and a grace period of 21 days before deleting my account. But, the mail got lost in the heaps of junk mail I receive everyday. I just noticed it on 23rd day, after I found out that my site is offline.
  So after four blogs (2 failed, 2 survived) and seven years later, I’m back to square one. Well, not exactly. I had database backups of both the blogs from a few months back and since there were no new posts after that, I at least had the contents of my earlier posts. But, everything else; the images, the files, static web pages and few of my custom developed codes were lost, forever.

    So now, with the database backups with me, I tried to create another user with x10hosting but found out they have stopped accepting signups from my country. Then I started researching free web hosts again, tried a few but I found none to be feasible. Some offered ridiculously low web space, some offered only a sub-domain of their choice and a few wanted to watermark my blog with their logo (which I absolutely don’t like). For sometime, I considered buying a paid web hosting service. But for a relatively irregular blogger, paying up regularly just to keep the blog alive was not reasonable enough (for me). With all these fruitless research, I was angry and frustrated (with myself). At a point, I felt like what it might feel to a homeless migrant, my blog certainly did.
   Finally, in a desperate attempt to make my blog live, I decided to return to blogger and started to tinker with it to accept my existing posts from wordpress. In almost every step, I ran into difficulties for which I had to look into second (even third) page of google to resolve. But at least my blogs are now live and I’m currently working on to fix the parts that are broken.

    As I continue to work with blogger, I find it having all most all the features you may need for a decent blog. If a feature is missing then look around, you might find  a third party plug-in or widget doing just that. I probably will write another post summarising my experience going through the migration from wordpress to blogger, as this post is already big for my standard.

   Have you experienced this type of problems as well? Please share your story and what you did to deal with it.

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Stitched pieces from her torn diary

     She was around seven, when her grandma used to tell, “One day your prince charming will come and will take you with him”. The very idea of leaving her loving family was rather scary than dreamy. And she would snuggle into her lap sobbing, “I’m not going anywhere”.

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   Growing up…, going to school together, playing together and at times fighting with her cousin was the major part of her daily life. Oddly enough, the women around her used to describe them as co-wives. It was not even funny. How come her beloved sister can be compared with an envious co wife? She could only murmur (saying it aloud to their face was disrespectful. So what, you are just 10.), “Get lost old lady”.

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   She finished high school and was pretty excited about upcoming years of college life while her dad was counting the years left. She continued her college while offering an extra hand to her mom. The mistakes in kitchen or so called behavioral skills earned her criticisms from Mom. And mom was right. “if you continue this attitude I’m definitely going to get scolded at your in-laws place. Everyone will blame the mother” – her mom used to say. Then, there is that proverb, “Duhita: dui kulaku hita”, meaning The actions of the girl brings glory (or shame) to both the families. She used to wonder if the proverbs were made by men.
   She used to comply silently. But, you can only control your actions not your thoughts. The discontentment was growing. She made up her mind not to be dependent on anyone. That she should be capable enough to get herself food and shelter. After all that is what she’ll get in a marriage and which might cost her hopes, desires and independence. She should not; she must not spend the rest of her life inside four walls of the kitchen. She decided to fight, no matter what comes in her way.

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     Her dad sometimes try to explain her that nobody wants her earnings and It’s better to get married in the right age. And again there’s that proverb, “Bina ashraye banchi na paranti kabita, banita, lata”. Literally translates to - A poem, a girl and an epiphyte cannot survive without support.  “What a mean proverb!! Must be written by a man” – she used to think.

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    However, the 1^st step for becoming independent; getting a job, was not that easy for her. She didn’t get a campus placement like many of her friends did. After graduation, she tried getting a job in The Silicon Valley of India, but had to come back home because of ever increasing pressure of get a job or comeback home arguments. Many of her friends who stayed back got jobs in a while.
     Luck wasn’t too hard on her either. She got a small job in a little known company, then switched to a well-established organization with better pay but an inferior role and eventually a job of her liking with a fair pay in a good organization. It was high time to look for suitable matches now, although proposals were coming in even before she completed her studies

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This is how it happens in an arranged marriage. You have to dress up “properly”. Tips will pour in from her family and well-wishers. “Why don’t you wear a saree- you will look much slimmer” , “Oh my girl is looking so dark today-did you not used any fairness cream?”.
     Then comes the presentation. Some unknown guys will stare at her from head to toe, scrutinizing every feature. Sometimes this leads to a very awkward silence for few seconds. There will be enquiries like, “Can you cook ?” , “Will you be able to relocate?”, “How much do you earn?” , “Will you be able to wear saree?” and “Will you be able to quit your job if he goes abroad?”. This is just a small subset of questions. Some people ask about height and then try to compare by standing next to her. She suddenly becomes a product from a person.
      Now there is that decision making. If her family and relatives find the guy OK but, somehow she doesn’t find the guy appealing, it’s hard to explain them the reason. Somehow she becomes a burden to them. People will try to advise, “Being a girl you have rejected so many proposals, you shouldn’t be so choosy”. These are small things, some say. But she realizes words are small but scars are deep. It hurts bad when your parents get sad about your upcoming birthday. She believes, marriage is a beautiful journey, a journey worth travelling. But what if from early childhood you put an impression on a baby girl that she has to leave her home. Why won’t she think that marriage is awful? The entire childhood, in her teens and in young age, the topic of her marriage was never out of conversation. If in the name of marriage a girl has to go through all this chaos, better kill the baby girl.

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Sometimes she used to wonder whether she has become so selfish and self-centered that she’s unable to recognize people that care for her. She loves her parents and very well knows they love her even more. They certainly mean well, yet she hasn’t been able to justify the experiences she has gone through. Is it the fault of the society? But then who makes up the society? Are we trapped in a structure that we created for our wellbeing? Is it so hard to change for the good? She will have to find her own answers.
 

-Anonymous

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…and perhaps it ends here

        

Though devastating, it had been quite an enriching journey. The experiences I’ve got are priceless and it certainly hurts when you sense, the end has come. More or less I knew what was coming but, never dared to calculate the consequences. So now I stand in the middle of no where knowing whatever happening is right, yet unable to accept. Walking in the streets with a heavy weight now seems easier than with a heavy heart. Never did I anticipate that I have to stretch every fibre of my muscle, drain each drop of my strength just to bind myself as a whole. Never before I felt what it is like, to tear yourself apart. No longer I agree on what I say…or say what I agree…whatever. The more than two year long emotional odyssey is now at the verge of its end and I’ve now become a spectator from a participant.

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   I never easily allow anyone to come close to my invisible, emotionally tender circle. And to a girl…NOOO…Please. But she has been an exception from the beginning. The expertise she showed in handling my delicacy that I never thought twice before opening myself up page by page, not just events but emotions; and I haven’t regretted the decision. The following was the best part of my life I’ve experienced so far. She made me experience the feelings that I earlier thought myself incapable of. I laughed, I cried, I smiled, I frowned but every emotion has become pleasant. I started discovering a finer-better-energetic me within. I never attempted naming this new relation as there was none that wouldn’t fit in her. She was diverse yet unique, magnificent yet humble, simple yet elegant. She was condensed love. I put her in my rarest list of ‘want to be like’ personalities. Everything has been so good that I couldn’t ask more. But all this while I avoided one thing that I always do. Predicting the future. I was too involved in present.

   No one wants to live alone in this world. She has to choose someone and of course I was not in the list. But that never really bothered me. I occasionally resisted a sense of melting down. And slowly that happened what has to happen. A boy and a girl are never meant to be just friends(I still find friend to be insufficient, close but insufficient). At least not everyone thinks so, if not me. And she started unbuilding her own creation in me. Brick by brick shattering the walls. I hopelessly, desperately wanted to mend, but she’s always been in control. At this point I stand in a position not knowing what to do or say, rather what to think even.

Why did you do this? Was it unavoidable? Or you were too concerned in saving your tomorrow that you never did saw how black mine is becoming? Have I been so insignificant in your perspective throughout or you just realized it later?   I never wanted to interfere your life, I wanted to be a part of it. But I guess, these are not mutually exclusive. They come in the same package. You said you need me and will never leave me so easily but you gave up in the 1st barrier I put up to check if I’m a burden or you really need me. All this time you wanted to get rid of me and this gave you a perfect opportunity to put the blame on me. I know what will be your response. “Whatever you do is right. I want to help you in it.” Haven’t you realized so far that I intentionally do the wrong things just to get it corrected?

I know you have done what was right. You have done too much for me. The belongingness you showed, made me think otherwise. The senses you have awakened in me were immense. You have made my world broader. What I gained with you would be the capital for the rest of my life. I shouldn’t be greedy.   I understand the emotional turmoil you are going through and never wanted to be an extra burden. You have too many problems of your own and mine is too insignificant to be taken care now. Leaving me would have been painful to you, so I took the initiative. I’m not sure if anyone else will love you as much but, I certainly won’t be able to replicate my emotions to the fullest, again.

     So what now? It’s taking time to make me realize that her part in my life is over. They say time heals everything. But so far ‘time’ has not been so considerate to me. May be time doesn’t have time for me to heal, like everyone else, like her. As I said, I’m now a spectator, pretending to be unaffected and stable. The end may not have been graceful, but the journey was. I think the gain has been more than the loss but still couldn’t justify it. This is where I’m in my journey now and perhaps it ends here.

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Belur Math Experience

     Last Sunday I’d been to Dakshineswar and Belur Math, one of Kolkata’s great shrines.

It’s not that I’d never been there before. I’ve visited the place 2/3 times. Though I’m not of very religious kind, I like visiting the surroundings, the people, the Ganga etc.. The plan was quite instant. A friend called me up in the morning saying he’s leaving Kolkata in 2/3 days and haven’t visited any place here and asked me to suggest some place. And I couldn’t think of any, I said, “I’m not sure, you probably have visited the places I know like Dakshineswar, Victoria Palace and….”.
“No…I’ve not been to Dakshineswar”.
“All right, Let’s go then.”

It was already a bit late, because staying out in the scorching heat that almost touches 46 degree in the peak hours is definitely not a good idea. But as the plan is made and decisions taken, there’s only one option: “Get ready and come to my place as soon as possible.” I shouted and disconnected my phone. Within half an hour we were out and reached the nearest railway station to catch the Dankuni local. We were late. The next train was after 45 minutes. So we took a bus to Dakshineswar and reached almost in 30-45 minutes. I was more interested in taking him to Belur Math rather than the Dakshineswar temple as I liked the place and the journey through the Ganga. So we took hardly 20 minutes to see the deity and the temple around and left for Belur in the next boat for it. By the time we reached it was almost time for the closure. There was less than one hour left but, that was enough for us to get a quick look around.

So far the experience was good if not very good because of the weather but, it was not the Experience I mean in the title. This was just the background to the story. The experience starts now. I mean not right now,  soon.

We took a water bottle and rested in the shade of a tree for sometime looking around. Lots of people were moving around in groups of their own but still there was a comfortable noise level. Children in the groups didn’t seem to care about the heat. It was almost noon then and the temperature was still rising. We decided to go inside the main temple, spend some time there and then decide what to do next. It was a large hall with high walls. The idol of Ramkrishna Paramhamsa was placed at the furthest end of the hall. I asked my friend to go and have a look around and sat by the near by pillar. The temperature was considerably low there with large pedestal fans creating the feel of a smooth breeze inside. I felt relieved and sat leaning to the pillar and stretched out my legs. A small crouching child was playing with a ring besides his/her guardian. I smiled at the child and stretched my hand in an expression to come near me. The child looked at me and choose to stay away from the strangers.

I was just about to close my eyes to give rest to my eyelids when I saw a guard waving at me and hinting something. I couldn’t understand at first what he meant but soon realized that I was facing sideways to the idol. This was disrespectful and he wanted me to turn around. I was irritated a bit and remembered the story of a famous mystic who was sleeping in the stairs of a temple with his legs towards the deity. The temple priest came near him and asked him to turn his legs as this was very disrespectful to the God. The mystic answered, “Please turn my legs to a direction where there is no God”. I didn’t think it would be a good idea to answer the guard the same way and turned around still thinking of how to show the depth of my knowledge on philosophy to the guard and make him feel low. But then something happened. As I turned I felt surprisingly satisfied. The irritation moments ago was gone in an instant. I felt kind of impressed about the guard for being so alert in monitoring people inside. A smile came to my face without any reason while I continued to stare blankly at the idol. I was surprised by this change in mood.

As I said, I’m not of a religious sort but, something was there given away for free to everyone who faced it. You may call it blessings or pure positive energy. The guard actually suggested me the right thing to do inside. It’s not that Belur Math was special, I almost had nearly same feelings in almost every temple I visited but, never cared about these things or never thought like this before. I continued to sit in that posture while my friend came back and sat near me. I turned around and saw the child crouching towards me and urging me to play with him. I was feeling happy and smiled at him. He responded with a even broader smile. We played with the water bottle for sometime and then came out.

We took a round in the park, clicked some pictures(It was not allowed though), saw the 200 year old mango tree, visited the old shrine. We were feeling a bit hungry by then as we hadn’t our breakfast. We took the prasaad coupons and joined the queue for it. It was a simple meal but was good.

The main temple was already closed by the time we finished. We came out to the main road and took a bus to return.

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The Law of Attraction

 Homo-Sapiens or any other species for that matter, I may have to disappoint you. The post below is far from being that interesting.
   If you have dived into this post in the hope for reading about the masculine-feminine attraction in

You may want to do a bit of google on the topic to get more involved as I myself doubt the clarity of my writing. 😉

The law of attraction as I perceive:

Everything that we think attracts similar objects/events in the real world around us. I would try to explain the statement with some examples. If you woke up in a happy mood say you got the news of your promotion, chances are there that you will get another good news very soon. The day at least would be a pleasant one. Similarly if you keep worrying about your career and future most of the time, you may get another jolt that would just increase your tension further. The prevailing thoughts in our mind will shape our surrounding real world.

I can’t prove this law, no one can. But you can’t disapprove this as well, as the law is not falsifiable. On the other hand realization of this may help in improving the life we live. In a sense The law of attraction means we are the only ones responsible for our life, because we are the ones that thought of this to us. If you find people treating you badly, or your loved ones seem to ignore you, it’s not because of they being so but more because you somewhere suspected them to be so. If you think life is not being fare to you it’s because you think that way. So be a positive thinker to attract the positive result into your life.

Again not every thought in your mind becomes real. It’s only the dominant thoughts that work. So you may have the contradictory thoughts in mind but only the higher order thoughts of you will find a way to manifest. That’s why when expecting a result you already know it in your heart, regardless of how irrelevant your thoughts at that time may be. This is the reason successful people continue going up in the ladder while stressed, frustrated people find it hard to revive as they continue dozing one failure after another. Reason being the circumstances affect our thought process and that in turn attracts the similar circumstances into our life and the loop continues.

You may argue, no one wants to be a failure or stressed or want anything bad to happen to him/her. But that’s not exactly how the process works. Not wanting to fail and wanting to get success are though logically very similar, they are very different emotionally. Instead of hoping to get out of your bad luck or situation, wish something good to yourself.

The main problem here is to tame the mind to think positively. Though it sounds very difficult, once you realize the law and trust it, you will find it much easier. Try it, you may be amazed at its results.

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